Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Rainy night blues


Seems like I've been alone alot lately.
Not intentionally,  and not for reasons you'd suspect with a start such as this.

Normal work.
Side work.
Hobby work.

These are the things that have caused such aloneness lately.
Not on purpose but by circumstance.

I catch myself swirling around these type of feelings this time of year, and it's getting hard to pull myself horizontal and swim out of the quick sand.

I know I am loved.
I know I am blessed to have the things we have.
I know I have an amazing husband and support system.

I know this.

But I also know that I don't always let those people know that these feeling are resurfacing. 

It starts slowly at first, you're listening to a song on the radio that has a somber tone, and suddenly you have tears streaming down your face.
From there, it can whip out of control, like it has in the past or you can slow the progression and try to swing back to the surface.

In the past I haven't been as successful in stifling these feelings.
I've had moments of self harm and long bouts of depression, feeling as if the sun would never be back.

But lately I've noticed the feelings creeping up when I'm alone.

Granted I'm never technically alone anymore.
One of the kids is always with me, and their smiles and laughter helps, but they are kids.  Kids that don't understand how to help me get out of the funk I've slipped into.

From working a 9-5 and then having side work on the weekend for the past 3 months straight to a 2 week elk hunt.

I just feel alone.
And sad.
And tired.
And on the verge of tears.

I just need a detox from the loneliness.
A weekend of time with my lover, my children and no distractions.
No cell phones, except for pictures, no Internet, no outside forces.

That's what I need.

The next week needs to hurry.

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