Cheese and pickle sandwiches

So here we are, day three of not pumping.  Let me tell you, weaning is way more emotional than they tell you about. 

Today my breasts were more full than they have been in weeks.  How ironic right?  

There were moments that when I was carrying Ry that it felt like they might actually burst.  

I had a few moments of "maybe I should start pumping again, maybe my milk is back" and I would  mention it to J and he would bring me back to reality and make me remember that it's been weeks that we have been trying to pump enough for a meal at a time.  He has been so wonderful through out this process, so supportive and so understanding. Even when I've started crying when pumping or bottle feeding our girl.  

Feeling very blessed this evening. 

This. Is. It.

Sometimes I'm amazed that I am where I am.  There were a few darker moments in my life and some really bright ones.  I honestly wake up almost every morning and think how lucky, grateful, and amazed to have this life.  

I am only 25 and I have already been lucky enough to find my soulmate and to find him at the best time.  I was always worried when I was younger that when I finally found my soulmate that he wouldn't be ready to meet me.  That somehow our paths crossed but not at the right time.

But we did meet at the best moment.  I was in a place to take a chance, and he was in a place to allow himself to be himself.  And I know it sounds cliche but it even had those moments of wow, this is it.  

We were married for two years this year and have been together for over 5 all together.  People used to tell us that marriage is hard and the second year is the hardest.  I don't know what kind of marriage they have but this has been easy and we haven't necessarily been dealt the best cards.  Between being broke, buying a home, getting pregnant and having our sweet girl come 10 weeks early,  and we are stronger than we have ever been.  We have had so many opportunities to break as a couple but we have my bent to then snap back into our strongest bond yet.  

Everyday I am thankful for him and that God had brought him into my life. 

Breastfeeding woes

Breastfeeding.

Such a simple word that so many people take for granted.

When we got pregnant I had this ideal path that everything was going to travel on.  And so far other than having my amazing daughter, nothing has gone as planned.  

I may sound selfish but I wanted to breastfeed more than anything.  I have always dreamed of feeding my children from my breast and knowing that I was producing everything that they needed.  And now after pumping exclusively for 6+months my milk supply has pretty much disappeared.  At times I am thankful that it has stopped because pumping is so inconvenient, and not enjoyable and awkward.  But on the other hand I loved knowing what she was consuming.  Now that I haven't been able to produce enough we are almost 100% on formula and I know there is nothing wrong with formula but I had this ideal that I was desperately clinging to and formula didn't fit inside it.  I still have some milk in the freezer but its a guess whether Ry is going to drink it or not.  

I still catch myself crying about it. 

I know she is healthy and perfect, but i still feel inadequate for this.  

Why.

Why. 

Why.

That's all I ever ask myself, why couldn't we have that connection.

I hear from my support people that they are proud of me for doing everything that I have been so far.  And that I did what I could.  I just can't help but feel that if we had breastfed that the intimacy and the touch would have helped produce the hormones needed to continue producing milk. Pumping is so alien and impersonal.  There is no bonding with a machine and no emotional connection.  

Am I less of a woman or mom since I couldn't feed my child from my breast? 

I guess that's where I always circle back to.