Finally free

It is such a strange feeling having my body back.  

It seems like forever since its been all mine. 

Is that selfish?

To IUD or not is the question.

According to Google you can remove your IUD by yourself. 

Hmmmm....  

I watched videos and read testimonials about how easy it is and how it's the same as how a Dr. takes it out.  

Makes me wonder if its worth it.  I've been having issues with mine and it lately hasn't seemed worth it and J hates that I have it.  He worries about it and he can't help but be nervous about how it works.  If you read about the IUD they aren't really sure how it prevents pregnancy.  

Sure, we definitely DO NOT want to get pregnant anytime soon we for sure want to wait till next summer.  I think we can be responsible if we need to.  I actually kind of look forward to not having any hormones added to my body.   I was on BC for 4 years before Ry and then breastfed so I haven't been. "Me" in a long time.

Might be nice. :)

Cheese and pickle sandwiches

So here we are, day three of not pumping.  Let me tell you, weaning is way more emotional than they tell you about. 

Today my breasts were more full than they have been in weeks.  How ironic right?  

There were moments that when I was carrying Ry that it felt like they might actually burst.  

I had a few moments of "maybe I should start pumping again, maybe my milk is back" and I would  mention it to J and he would bring me back to reality and make me remember that it's been weeks that we have been trying to pump enough for a meal at a time.  He has been so wonderful through out this process, so supportive and so understanding. Even when I've started crying when pumping or bottle feeding our girl.  

Feeling very blessed this evening. 

This. Is. It.

Sometimes I'm amazed that I am where I am.  There were a few darker moments in my life and some really bright ones.  I honestly wake up almost every morning and think how lucky, grateful, and amazed to have this life.  

I am only 25 and I have already been lucky enough to find my soulmate and to find him at the best time.  I was always worried when I was younger that when I finally found my soulmate that he wouldn't be ready to meet me.  That somehow our paths crossed but not at the right time.

But we did meet at the best moment.  I was in a place to take a chance, and he was in a place to allow himself to be himself.  And I know it sounds cliche but it even had those moments of wow, this is it.  

We were married for two years this year and have been together for over 5 all together.  People used to tell us that marriage is hard and the second year is the hardest.  I don't know what kind of marriage they have but this has been easy and we haven't necessarily been dealt the best cards.  Between being broke, buying a home, getting pregnant and having our sweet girl come 10 weeks early,  and we are stronger than we have ever been.  We have had so many opportunities to break as a couple but we have my bent to then snap back into our strongest bond yet.  

Everyday I am thankful for him and that God had brought him into my life. 

Breastfeeding woes

Breastfeeding.

Such a simple word that so many people take for granted.

When we got pregnant I had this ideal path that everything was going to travel on.  And so far other than having my amazing daughter, nothing has gone as planned.  

I may sound selfish but I wanted to breastfeed more than anything.  I have always dreamed of feeding my children from my breast and knowing that I was producing everything that they needed.  And now after pumping exclusively for 6+months my milk supply has pretty much disappeared.  At times I am thankful that it has stopped because pumping is so inconvenient, and not enjoyable and awkward.  But on the other hand I loved knowing what she was consuming.  Now that I haven't been able to produce enough we are almost 100% on formula and I know there is nothing wrong with formula but I had this ideal that I was desperately clinging to and formula didn't fit inside it.  I still have some milk in the freezer but its a guess whether Ry is going to drink it or not.  

I still catch myself crying about it. 

I know she is healthy and perfect, but i still feel inadequate for this.  

Why.

Why. 

Why.

That's all I ever ask myself, why couldn't we have that connection.

I hear from my support people that they are proud of me for doing everything that I have been so far.  And that I did what I could.  I just can't help but feel that if we had breastfed that the intimacy and the touch would have helped produce the hormones needed to continue producing milk. Pumping is so alien and impersonal.  There is no bonding with a machine and no emotional connection.  

Am I less of a woman or mom since I couldn't feed my child from my breast? 

I guess that's where I always circle back to. 

Wow. It seems like it has been forever since I've written here.

Life has taken quite a few crazy turns in the past year.  Exactly one year ago we chose to get off birth control and start down the crazy road of parenthood. And since then we've had a half pregnancy followed by THE most stressful 64 days in the hospital, and we survived with our amazing baby in hand.  It's hard to believe that we've come so far with her.  I can now understand when people say they can't imagine life without their kids.  It's hard for me to remember life feeling full and complete without her. She has made us feel complete .

I won't lie, this journey has been far from smooth.  The first 6 months of my pregnancy was perfect.  No heartburn. No crazy cravings. No sickness. No nothing negative. And then everything went wrong.  I was planning a drug free water birth and instead was shipped into an OR and filled with drugs and got a c-section.  I never wanted Ryleigh to have formula but she needed it being so preemie.  I desperately wanted to breastfeed and its the one thing she won't do.  

Somedays I can't help but let all the hardships sink in and let them overwhelm me.  

Here I am on a beautiful vacation with our family and I'm on the verge of tears.  

I've always felt likes don't belong and I still catch myself feeling that way from time to time.  I'm so much younger than his family and I wasn't best friends with all of them growing up.  Makes infiltrating difficult.  Yes, I know they love me and they want me around but sometimes I just want to crawl away and hide and hope they don't find me.  
It doesn't help that I'm still struggling with my weight and body images and they are all tiny in comparison to me, and they always want picturs together and I end up looking like a whale next to them.


Maybe I'm just complaining, but it's one of those days.

I think I need some space.