Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Two weeks into fall and its 91 degrees.
What happened to the days when right after labor day, the crisp winds blew in, and the air gets cooler.
The sun warms the midday but when the sun starts to set the cool night air blows in, forcing us to wear sweatshirts and jeans. 
Those are my favorite times of the year.
I love wearing my peacoats and scarves with jeans and comfy grandma shoes. 
I am ready for those days. 
Can they just be here yet?

On another note:
I am the happiest I've been in a long time.
Lately all the stress of my state boards and wedding and weight have been wearing my down into this creature that wasnt me.

I was irritable and grouchy and short temperd.  Everything seemed to make me either get mad or cry.
I felt like I was on this teeter totter of emotions and it was weighing me down.
Jerrod was noticing it, and I kept saying it was stress, hoping that I was right.

I got to a point when I thought, Am I depressed? 
Do I have a problem? 

There were a few nights that after studying till my brain felt like it melted that I would go into our bedroom to watch some movie or some show, that I would find myself wimpering and crying to myself.
I was afraid to let Jerrod in.
I was afraid I was turning into someone that he would want.
Someone that he could'nt love.

It doesnt help that all the pressure of getting married is starting to sink in.
Its the one day that you are supposed to be beautiful.
But when I look in the mirror, I dont feel beautiful.
I dont know if I've ever felt that way when I look at my reflection.

I've never been skinny, never been a size two.
Sure he says he loves me the way that I am, but sometimes there's part of me that wonders, 'would he love me more if I was skinnier'
I know that these aren't healthy thoughts by any means.

What I never understood was, I eat healthy, I'm active. What happened.

Then there comes the wedding dress.
Brides are supposed to be in the best shape of their lives.
They are supposed to be breathtaking in their dresses. 
Will I feel that way when I find my dress?
Will I feel the way that you're supposed to?
I pray that I do.
Everyday I pray that I will look into the mirror and see a beautiful person staring back at me.

Trust me.
Ever since I took my test and that stress was dissolved, I feel so much better. 
I slept the best I have in weeks last night.  I fell asleep early and stayed asleep.
Up until the test date, I was having a hard time sleeping, tossing and turning for hours.
But I slept AMAZING. It was so wonderful waking up this morning.

Also I feel like the woman that I'm supposed to be.  I am going to be a succesful LMT. I am going to be a wonderful wife, and an amazing mother when that time comes.

Lately we've even been talking about kids. I give Jerrod about a year and a half until he's ready.
We were laying in bed last Sunday, discussing our future.  We realized that we're ready to have a family. And a dog alone doesnt count.
We are thinking about waiting to get a dog till after the wedding, just for the sake of the puppy.
We didnt want to have to ask someone to puppysit a 10 month old lab. who knows what kind of damage that would do to another persons house.

Wow, this is getting alot longer then I expected. 
Its time for bed, I have a few more episodes of Bones to watch.

And to leave you with an adorable picture of a BloodHound puppy.  Who will be named Copper.

Imma hound dog. aru ru ru ru.

1 comment:

  1. You're not waiting to get a dog! I won't allow it!!! :) Get the puppy now, it'll be 8+ mo old when you get married!