I hate nights like this, nights when your brain refuses to shut off.
Nights when your eyes are fighting to stay closed.
Nights when you could swear you hear the conversation for blocks away because your ears are hypersensitive.
Nights like this make my brain spin and sometimes it gets going so fast that it seems like its in a blender with every thought I've ever had, spinning and chopping, and then its the frappe cycle.
Seems like there are so many things that I'm just waiting for.
Waiting to hear if I passed my board exam.
Waiting to send out invites.
Waiting to go search for a dress.
Waiting for the wedding.
And in between all these big waiting items are a million other things that seem to have me by the back of the neck waiting. I'm waiting for sleep, for tomorrow, for the weekend, for the next weekend.
Seems like I need to find the reset button on me, but they are always in that place that you can't seem to find.
Like that place in the middle of your back that you always get a itch on that you have to use the door jam or some other weird object to scratch. Maybe my model didnt come with one.
What if we could just push a reset button and things would speed up or backtrack to the way we want them to be, uncomplicated.
Sometimes I feel that I get so caught up in Jerrod and my life that I forget whats going on around us. Sometimes we have so much planned that when I finally look up from what I was doing, its weeks past when we started.
I never had the experience of love before Jerrod came into my life, and in a way I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I never had to go through that heartbreak and to feel the hatred for the person who ripped my heart out. I have never felt that you need to experience that pain before you can truley appreciate love. That seems crazy to me. I need to hurt to feel better? Who says. Why not wait until you know its the right time and pour your whole self into someone and have them do the same and be a better person? I almost think that if I would have had my heart broken it would have made my next love more difficult. I am stubborn and guarded and if I would have lost that trust with someone so close, I think I would have built walls so high noone could ever climb them. But instead I was trusting, and open, and allowed myself to fall in love, completly with no safety net. Its something I will never regret.
Sometimes I dream about what our future holds for us.
Sometimes I imagine our home 10 years down the road.
Filled with love and our children, with our pets running around while chickens peck at bugs in the gras and cows and steers roam our field.
Someday we'll have all this, but for now I'll settle for all we have. :)
Re-reading this, it doesnt make much sense.
good night everyone