Saturday, June 1, 2013

Wow. It seems like it has been forever since I've written here.

Life has taken quite a few crazy turns in the past year.  Exactly one year ago we chose to get off birth control and start down the crazy road of parenthood. And since then we've had a half pregnancy followed by THE most stressful 64 days in the hospital, and we survived with our amazing baby in hand.  It's hard to believe that we've come so far with her.  I can now understand when people say they can't imagine life without their kids.  It's hard for me to remember life feeling full and complete without her. She has made us feel complete .

I won't lie, this journey has been far from smooth.  The first 6 months of my pregnancy was perfect.  No heartburn. No crazy cravings. No sickness. No nothing negative. And then everything went wrong.  I was planning a drug free water birth and instead was shipped into an OR and filled with drugs and got a c-section.  I never wanted Ryleigh to have formula but she needed it being so preemie.  I desperately wanted to breastfeed and its the one thing she won't do.  

Somedays I can't help but let all the hardships sink in and let them overwhelm me.  

Here I am on a beautiful vacation with our family and I'm on the verge of tears.  

I've always felt likes don't belong and I still catch myself feeling that way from time to time.  I'm so much younger than his family and I wasn't best friends with all of them growing up.  Makes infiltrating difficult.  Yes, I know they love me and they want me around but sometimes I just want to crawl away and hide and hope they don't find me.  
It doesn't help that I'm still struggling with my weight and body images and they are all tiny in comparison to me, and they always want picturs together and I end up looking like a whale next to them.

Maybe I'm just complaining, but it's one of those days.

I think I need some space. 

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