Sunday, August 25, 2013

Breastfeeding woes


Such a simple word that so many people take for granted.

When we got pregnant I had this ideal path that everything was going to travel on.  And so far other than having my amazing daughter, nothing has gone as planned.  

I may sound selfish but I wanted to breastfeed more than anything.  I have always dreamed of feeding my children from my breast and knowing that I was producing everything that they needed.  And now after pumping exclusively for 6+months my milk supply has pretty much disappeared.  At times I am thankful that it has stopped because pumping is so inconvenient, and not enjoyable and awkward.  But on the other hand I loved knowing what she was consuming.  Now that I haven't been able to produce enough we are almost 100% on formula and I know there is nothing wrong with formula but I had this ideal that I was desperately clinging to and formula didn't fit inside it.  I still have some milk in the freezer but its a guess whether Ry is going to drink it or not.  

I still catch myself crying about it. 

I know she is healthy and perfect, but i still feel inadequate for this.  


That's all I ever ask myself, why couldn't we have that connection.

I hear from my support people that they are proud of me for doing everything that I have been so far.  And that I did what I could.  I just can't help but feel that if we had breastfed that the intimacy and the touch would have helped produce the hormones needed to continue producing milk. Pumping is so alien and impersonal.  There is no bonding with a machine and no emotional connection.  

Am I less of a woman or mom since I couldn't feed my child from my breast? 

I guess that's where I always circle back to. 

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